Raworths family law experts have this key advice if you’re going through a divorce

This article is sponsored by Raworths Solicitors. 

Going through a divorce is a challenging time for everyone involved. Despite the best intentions at the outset to be civil, the mood can quickly become acrimonious and antagonistic, which makes the whole process unpleasant, drawn out – and more costly.

The family law team at Raworths has been working with families for decades, offering support and expertise to ensure the divorce process meets everyone’s objectives without unnecessary conflict or cost.

Solicitors Carmelita Ardren, head of the family law team and Ellie Foster, legal director, have guided many through the emotionally charged process of divorce. In an increasingly digital era they are encouraging those getting a divorce, or going through the process to consider their digital footprint and to…

Think before you click.

The use of social media to investigate an estranged spouse during divorce is increasing.

Carmelita said:

“Using social media posts to show the other person’s behaviour can rapidly increase the temperature in divorce proceedings, lead to acrimony, and make things very difficult.

“My rule would be to think really carefully about how what you post online could be interpreted by the other person – and others in your community.”

Ellie added:

“I’ve seen times where social media posts show that one person’s lifestyle is very different to the message they’re saying elsewhere, for example to their solicitor.

“Rather than being open and transparent, it just arouses suspicion from day one and immediately leads to mistrust.”

So what are some of the key areas to avoid when posting on social media during a divorce?

Carmelita and Ellie stress that staying as civil as possible throughout the divorce is beneficial for everyone – especially where children are involved.

Ellie said:

“It’s so easy for comments posted on social media about your partner to get back to your children, through their own friends and parents. Think about the potential effect on them before you post.”

And as Carmelita points out, it’s not just about young children:

“You might be friends with your teen or adult children on social media. Think about your privacy settings and how details of new relationships or complaints about their other parent could raise questions or make children very uncomfortable.

“Also remember that you aren’t just in your children’s lives until they are 18; you’ll still have to come into contact with the other parent at weddings, christenings and other events beyond them turning 18.”

If you’re going through a divorce and see something on social media that you think could help your case, the advice is to get advice.

As Ellie puts it,

“Don’t set out to dig things up on your ex, it’s generally not helpful. But if you do come across something you think is important, don’t share it with the entire community, talk through its relevance with your solicitor.”

Carmelita added:

“You might think it’s the lynchpin. While it might be key in disproving credibility, nine times out of ten it’s not. Diving straight in can complicate things and cause unnecessary conflict.”

The Raworths family law team put the client at the centre of their approach, offering support and guidance to help people move forwards. They can also assist you in accessing other services from counselling to financial advice. 

Contact Ellie, Carmelita and the Raworths family law team on their website. 

Handling Christmas after divorce: A Harrogate dad’s story

This article is sponsored by Berwins

Family breakdown is never easy, but Christmas can be a particularly distressing time for separated parents and their children.

There is an unrealistic expectation that the festive period should be be perfect, not helped by increasing pressure caused by social media.

This often leads to feelings of anger, frustration and upset when that “perfect” family Christmas can’t be made into a reality.

Arguments can start over where the children will be on Christmas Day. There can also be disagreements about whether new partners should be spending time with the children at Christmas, as well as issues with money.

But it doesn’t always have to be difficult.

Harrogate dad Alex separated from his wife in 2010, when his daughter was three-years-old.

Tough

He described how the first two Christmases apart were a struggle, but then gradually improved in future years thanks to good communication.

He said:

“In that first year it was all quite recent and a little raw. Christmas morning was spent separately at our respective parents, and my daughter was with her mum.

“We then met in a neutral venue, a pub in a rural village, and had a drink and I got to spend some time with my daughter.

“That first year was incredibly tough and getting in the car and driving away from her later in the afternoon was particularly hard.

“The following year my daughter spent the morning with my ex-wife, and then came to my house. It was a little too upsetting for all parties, particularly for my daughter as she just wanted to play with her new things.”

However, as a result, they both agreed that they would then take it in turns each year, which he says has worked out better for everyone ever since.

He said:

“When she is not with us, we have a separate faux Christmas Day and meal on another day as near to the big day as we can, but there is no substitute to having her with you on the day itself.”

Read more:

Alex continues to have a good relationship with his ex-wife and says this makes it easier when it comes to Christmas festivities.

He said:

“I think when you have children, the focus of the day itself changes anyway, and you realise that the enjoyment comes from experiencing it through their eyes.

“Once both parties accept that, it’s easy to keep it amicable as you will do everything you can to make it special for the children involved.

“As with every aspect of co-parenting, communication is the key, and if you can keep in touch and keep it friendly (sometimes through gritted teeth), then it makes everything so much better for you and your children.

“I genuinely think my daughter has a wonderful time at Christmas. She gets spoiled by both sides of her family and gets to have two Christmas Days every year.”

Advice

Stephen Root, director of Berwins Solicitors, based in Harrogate, has shared his advice on arrangements for children over the Christmas period.

He said:

Harrogate businesswoman’s new lease of life after divorce

This article is sponsored by Berwins

Going through a divorce is undoubtedly one of the most stressful and painful experiences in life.

There are a whirlwind of emotions to battle once a marriage breaks down, including feelings of grief and heartbreak, stress and fear, confusion and disorientation, disappointment and loss.

But for one Harrogate businesswoman, her divorce from her second husband has led to a new lease of life – so much so, she now helps others to mentally deal with the difficult, and often traumatic, process.

New challenges

Since her split, Lisa Duffield has set up her own life coaching and wellbeing business, the Lisa Duffield Centre, managed a house build and has even climbed Kilmanjaro.

She says she is the happiest she has ever been, and when you meet her, there’s no denying her positivity is infectious.

She said:

“I started my business in 2015 as I was going through the breakdown of my second marriage.

“I just realised I’ve got this natural ability and resilience.

“How you look after yourself – keeping up with your exercise and making sure you get all your sleep and everything when you’re going through a traumatic time – all helps build your resilience.

“And so I realised through doing all this, I actually want to spread the word and help other people as well, so I do coaching, mental fitness, hypnotherapy, and try to help empower people.”

As a woman who has gone through two divorces – although her first was amicable and she is still best friends with her first husband – she feels she is in the perfect position to help others.

She helps people who are getting a divorce to deal with their finances, the actual practicalities of moving house and how to look after their children and bring them up during that difficult time.

Lisa Duffield now helps others going through a divorce.

Lisa said:

“It’s stressful for everybody, people often get so worn down by it. So it’s just about keeping yourself going through that process.

“I moved out from the house I was in, and since then I’ve bought a plot of land and built my own house in lockdown, which will be like a wellbeing retreat. Now I do lots of motivational talks and stuff like that.”

Lisa, who has three daughters, says she has always had a business head on her shoulders, and set up a number of businesses with her first husband, whom she is close to and still works with.

Rebuild

But since her second divorce from her husband of nine years, she has had to rebuild everything again as it had a financial impact.

She said:

“I think that one of the main things I would advise others going through divorce is if they do have the coaching and help and support they can actually separate the different aspects of it. That is the emotional, the financial and the family.

“It’s also things like if you do have children and separate, it’s important not to use the children as a weapon because this will be something you regret. You must not do game-playing. You just get caught up in this awful battle and it’s just not worth it at all.

“The financial coaching is absolutely crucial, that’s one of the biggest fears when going through a divorce. What’s going to happen about the money? Where are they going to live? Which school are the children going to go to? Have you lost a certain amount of friends? It’s a huge trauma.

“This is what got me into this line of work. I can help people and coach them through so they can have a logical way of thinking about it, rather than letting their emotions overcome. This leads to feelings of resentment, revenge, punishment, which doesn’t do anyone any good in the end.”

Stronger

Since deciding to launch her business, Lisa started off training to become a clinical hypnotherapist. Since then she has gone on to do lots of other advanced courses in Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), as well as a a corporate executive coaching course.

She said:

“I’m currently working with a London law firm, setting up a wellbeing strategy. I’m helping people to feel empowered and to realise when you feel you are really down and you can’t pull yourself back up, you absolutely can.

“I would definitely say I have come back better, stronger and more positive.”

Lisa said she decided to divorce her second husband when she felt the marriage wasn’t equal she “felt stagnant” in her life.

She said:

“I felt like I had been stupid, like I had been manipulated and deceived.

“I felt like I was never going to be able to find true happiness in the relationship I was in. This is what made me decide that I need to get out. I think the realisation was the second marriage was a mistake because at the time I didn’t feel like a whole person.

“I thought if I met someone else, the two halves will come together to make a whole person and this doesn’t happen.

“If you’re not a whole person yourself, you’re not in a good place to meet another whole person.

“So I realised I needed to work on my identity and discover who I was and work on personal development for myself. I realised I had to go it alone. I felt I was looking and thinking a man was going to complete my life.

“You need to be a strong individual yourself and then you are in a position to be in a proper relationship with somebody.

“I suppose coming out of it, it’s working in personal development. And that’s what I love helping people with now.”

And Lisa has certainly come a long way since her second divorce. Her wellbeing business, which started off with just Lisa as a clinical hypnotherapist, now has around 15 practitioners on the books.

She regularly travels to London and has done work with O2, the NHS, Capita and PricewaterhouseCoopers. She has mentored some of the world’s strongest men, helping them with their mental focus. As well as project managing her own housebuild, she is also about to set up a new online platform for a second hand plant machinery business.

And she has achieved all this on her own.

She said:

“I found myself, and now I want to help others to get that strength. I’ve been on that journey, so I can help.

“I’ve not only started again, I’ve surpassed it. I’m up at the top of that hill and it’s brilliant.”

Lisa at the summit of Kilamanjaro.

‘Adventure junkie’

She has also become a self-confessed “adventure junkie” and has climbed Kilimanjaro, Machu Picchu and Ben Nevis. She has also been skydiving and sea Kayaking around the Farne Islands.

Her upcoming challenges include a charity Zambezi River trip, a trek across the Sahara Desert and the Dalai Lama Himalayan Trek.

She said:

“All of these things I have managed to do as a single woman. You do not need to be married to do whatever you want to do.

And women are now more powerful than ever. It’s not that I would put men down, but I am certainly equal to the best of those men out there.”

Laura’s Law: Pandemic or not, deciding to divorce is always scary

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column written by family lawyer Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married, and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on whether there is a “right” time to divorce. 

New Year, new start?

2020 was challenging year for most people, with the unprecedented stress of dealing with a global pandemic. Many have not only been fearful of what the future holds outside of their home but also, the future inside their home.

A lot have shared with me that:

Even though the pandemic pushed these individuals to realise that their marital difficulties needed to be dealt with, holding onto the certainty of an unhealthy marriage seemed more comfortable than the uncertainty of separating in an unfamiliar world.

Often, individuals would tell me that they were too anxious about what getting divorced would look like in 2020 even though they knew that, for the sake of their family, they did need to make that change. They were fearful that they would have nowhere to live because of the state of the housing market, they would not be able to pay their bills because of the financial downturn, the impact on the children would be too difficult to handle with home-schooling, and their ex would keep their children from them because of the pandemic.

In my experience, anyone who is thinking about getting divorced is scared about what the future will hold. That is no different in a pandemic. But whether we are in a pandemic or not, there is no lightbulb moment and there is no perfect time.

The hardest part tends to be making the decision about whether to make that call or not. It is easy to delay and delay, convincing yourself there will be a better time. But how much worse are things going to get in the meantime?

If you think splitting up is inevitable, waiting can cause more damage to your relationship. How much harder is it going to be to get through everything as painlessly as possible if there is more to fix when you eventually decide that you are “ready”?

Speak with someone impartial like a counsellor and lawyer who are not here to sell you on any outcome, just help you take a step back and decide whether this is what you want. And if it isn’t what you want, what are you going to do about it?

Laura’s Law: How to prepare yourself for getting divorced

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on what you should be prepared for if you’re thinking of getting a divorce. 

Many people are terrified about getting divorced. The idea of splitting up, particularly when you have children, can be almost too painful to bear. It is one of the most difficult things to go through. I can’t pretend that it isn’t, but I do find that the more than people understand how to weather the storm, the better.

If you are thinking of getting a divorce, it is helpful to prepare yourself.

1.    Feeling like it will never end

It can take people a long time to decide that enough is enough, they need a divorce. In my experience, making that decision itself is a relief. However, that is the beginning and not the end. Often, it can feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel once you have taken that first step. It can feel overwhelming, and sometimes it is difficult to hold your nerve.

However, I have seen that with the right team around you, you will get through it and often find yourself stronger than ever.

2.    Feeling like your friends have not stuck around

Many people tell me that just when they needed their friends to rally around them more than ever, they found them more distant than ever. Divorce can be very divisive with mutual friends. It can be painful to question whose side your friends are on. I find that they fear speaking up about how they feel. Often, people feel like they are having to fight over yet another thing – who gets to keep which friends.

You should remember that if you lose a few people along the way, this will only clear room for new positive and meaningful friendships.

3.    Feeling like your ex has become someone that you do not recognise

You may think that you know your soon-to-be-ex inside and out. However, divorce can make people behave in a way that you never even knew was possible. Many find that their ex goes into survival mode, rather than being on their side. This can leave you feeling vulnerable because you don’t feel able to trust your ex anymore, or know what to expect next.

It is important to accept that you will have your own agendas now, and you will need to find some common ground to reach an agreement that is fair to both of you.

4.    Feeling like you aren’t doing enough to protect your children

As a parent your instinct is to protect your child from being hurt. This can mean that you and your ex will go to extreme lengths to try to keep everything as normal as possible, but it can often feel like it is not enough. Many people feel very guilty, which is much more difficult to overcome if your ex won’t work with you. When you are trying to look after yourself too, this can leave you feeling drained.

Don’t feel bad if you find your children are struggling. This is normal. Support is there from friends, family, school and other professionals. You will not be alone.

Sound familiar?

Even if you are the person who is initiating the divorce, you will need to give yourself time to adjust to a new way of life and the loss of your previous one. Nobody enters into marriage expecting it to end and the fact that it is ending can bring with it feelings of failure, regret, guilt and loneliness. It can also feel scary and uncertain at times.

These are completely normal emotions to be experiencing and are part of a healthy healing process. You will need to re-discover yourself and re-gain control by setting some new personal and financial goals. Now is a time to try new hobbies, meet new people, do some things on your bucket list, treat yourself and get back to who you want to be.

Read More: 

 

Laura’s Law: Is your ex weaponising your children?

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on what to do if your ex is weaponising your children.

 

If you are in the process of separating (or thinking about doing so), you may be terrified about losing your children. You may be worried that your ex will be so intent on ‘revenge’, that they will try to weaponise your children against you.

Typically, by the time that people ask for my help, they tell me that their:

  1. Children’s opinion of them has become very negative
  2. Children are acting out against them and rejecting them
  3. Ex keeps taking their children away from them
  4. Ex has made all sorts of allegations about them as a parent

It isn’t uncommon for children to struggle with their parents’ separation. However, sometimes your ex may throw your children into the middle of a conflict by manipulating their view of you and burdening them by having to ‘choose a side’. Being bombarded with such responsibility and pressure can cause them significant distress.

Read More: 

It is not fair for your ex to try to damage your children’s relationship with you. However, it can and does happen. It’s likely to get worse the longer you leave it. Sadly, I have seen an increase in this behaviour during the pandemic lockdown. Particularly where children have been withheld from seeing one of their parents.

Often, if you approach your ex on your own and challenge them about the way that they are treating your children, they will deny it. This often backfires and allows your ex to spin your concerns against you, as if you are in the wrong. This can leave you feeling trapped without a way out.

Does this sound familiar?

When you separate, your children need you both more than ever and that should be a priority. However, your ex may see your children as a way to get what they want, regardless of what damage they may cause getting there.

It isn’t impossible to deal with your ex’s behaviour however it is time critical because the more you delay, the more damage may be done. To disarm your ex, for your children’s sake as well as your own, it is vital that you reach out.

You should also consider:

  1. Telling your ex in writing about your concerns and set out why
  2. Keeping a log of what has been happening
  3. Asking for professional support for you and/or the children

This is particularly important, now that we are in another lockdown. Even though we cannot meet in person for now, you can still reach out and get help. The court is also still open, so you are not alone.

To find out more about Laura and her speciality in family law, click here.

COLUMN: Are you married to a narcissist?

This legal column is written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children. In this column, she discusses the red flags to look out for that indicate you may be married to a narcissist and how to get out.

I have experienced the trauma of divorcing a narcissist first-hand. I am now a lawyer who specialises in helping people who are terrified of standing up to them.

Typically, I find that many of my clients have been conditioned to think that they have no self-worth. They have been controlled and bullied for years. They believe that any wrongdoing is their fault and that they do not deserve any better. The idea of saying “enough is enough” paralyses them with fear; so worn down, they feel trapped with no way out.

Over time, I have heard many people who sit in front of me say that their ex is:

They tell them what to do and what not to do. They are scolded for “stepping out of line”. However, the rules always change, and they never win. Instead, they live their lives walking on eggshells.

They think they are superior and expect that others cater to, and admire, them. Even though they have inflated self-esteem, beneath it, hides crippling insecurities which cause them to lash out.

They are obsessed with what other people think about them. They will put others down to make themselves seem better than they are. They are obsessed with attention and will often play the victim if needed.

They will often lie and pin people against each other. They will isolate people and are prepared to do anything to get what they want. Often, they undermine others around them so much that they start to question their own judgement, not their ex.

Does this ring any alarm bells?

Leaving a narcissist is daunting. A client once told me that her ex would do everything in his power to destroy her so that she ended up in a shoe box on the Stray with nothing but her children.

But she held her nerve and took the plunge, broke free and now has a very comfortable life that is all hers.

If, like her, you know deep down that you need to leave but you do not know what to do, the best thing that you can do is get specialist advice from a divorce lawyer who knows what you are dealing with.

Read More: