Laura’s Law: Leaving an abusive relationship

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on preparing to leave an abusive relationship.

 

How did this happen to someone like you?

It is painful to realise that you are in an abusive relationship. It is even more painful when you are hit by how long you did not see it for.

Many around you won’t have seen it either. Or if they did notice it, they ignored it because it was easier. Others are shocked that it ever happened to someone “like” you. But you aren’t “like” yourself at all anymore by this point, are you? That is probably why you don’t feel that you can “just” leave.   

I often find that the biggest risk is that you do not learn how to come out of “survival mode”. Most things that you are worried about can be fixed by someone like me. But nothing can be fixed unless you help me help you. But it is hard to even decide that you do need me. If that is you, speak with a counsellor, life coach, friend, family, police or even stranger to help you realise that you can make a decision. And that decision is to leave.

If that is too daunting, why don’t you read a book about it? There are many out there, for people just like you, written by people who used to be where you are.

I would not be surprised if even reading that strikes fear into your heart. No doubt you have already been threatened about what they would do if you even dared to want something better. I bet that they have said that they would take the children from you and make sure you end up with nothing. But you are not worth nothing, far from it. To go through something like you have, you must be the strongest out there.

If you do decide to separate, it is time to do something different. It often does not help to deal with your abusive ex in the same way that you did whilst you were together. That is not dealing with them at all. That just gives them another opportunity to do whatever they want to try and get their own way which may only make you more vulnerable. That is why you need a lot of people on your side.

In the meantime, do things that you want to do. Start practising making yourself a priority. Why don’t you buy the top you really liked? Or go to the hairdressers (pandemic permitting) and do something different with your hair? Maybe even promise yourself to go somewhere you like every week. Or why don’t you reach out to that friend that they said you weren’t allowed to talk to anymore?

Isn’t it time?

Laura’s Law: Is your ex weaponising your children?

Laura’s Law is a monthly legal column, written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children.

This week Laura advises on what to do if your ex is weaponising your children.

 

If you are in the process of separating (or thinking about doing so), you may be terrified about losing your children. You may be worried that your ex will be so intent on ‘revenge’, that they will try to weaponise your children against you.

Typically, by the time that people ask for my help, they tell me that their:

  1. Children’s opinion of them has become very negative
  2. Children are acting out against them and rejecting them
  3. Ex keeps taking their children away from them
  4. Ex has made all sorts of allegations about them as a parent

It isn’t uncommon for children to struggle with their parents’ separation. However, sometimes your ex may throw your children into the middle of a conflict by manipulating their view of you and burdening them by having to ‘choose a side’. Being bombarded with such responsibility and pressure can cause them significant distress.

Read More: 

It is not fair for your ex to try to damage your children’s relationship with you. However, it can and does happen. It’s likely to get worse the longer you leave it. Sadly, I have seen an increase in this behaviour during the pandemic lockdown. Particularly where children have been withheld from seeing one of their parents.

Often, if you approach your ex on your own and challenge them about the way that they are treating your children, they will deny it. This often backfires and allows your ex to spin your concerns against you, as if you are in the wrong. This can leave you feeling trapped without a way out.

Does this sound familiar?

When you separate, your children need you both more than ever and that should be a priority. However, your ex may see your children as a way to get what they want, regardless of what damage they may cause getting there.

It isn’t impossible to deal with your ex’s behaviour however it is time critical because the more you delay, the more damage may be done. To disarm your ex, for your children’s sake as well as your own, it is vital that you reach out.

You should also consider:

  1. Telling your ex in writing about your concerns and set out why
  2. Keeping a log of what has been happening
  3. Asking for professional support for you and/or the children

This is particularly important, now that we are in another lockdown. Even though we cannot meet in person for now, you can still reach out and get help. The court is also still open, so you are not alone.

To find out more about Laura and her speciality in family law, click here.

Charity Corner: The charity offering ‘New Beginnings’ for female survivors of domestic abuse

New Beginnings is a charity based in the Harrogate district offering support to female survivors of domestic abuse.

Its founder Lindsay Oliver has experienced domestic abuse first hand and recognised a gap for women after the initial support from crisis care services ends.

Lindsay fled 220 miles with her baby boy in June 2018 from the perpetrator after a two-year abusive relationship.

Once women are settled in new houses and often new areas the crisis care teams withdraw, Lindsay noticed they were then left feeling alone and confused.

Lindsay said:

“I didn’t have anyone that understood.

“New Beginnings is all about giving these women a network of people who get it. This week in the WhatsApp group someone asked ‘Have you experienced this?’ and we were able to help.”

The charity offers a number of different workshops for its clients and their children.

New Beginnings was set up in February 2020, with the help of Harrogate Borough Council officer Mel Milner, to offer women one-to-one peer support and to be part of a community of women who had similar experiences.

Over the years, New Beginnings has built relationships with local businesses and the food bank to offer their clients all the necessary support. The charity also works with therapists to offer workshops and coaching sessions for the women.

It currently supports 16 women, who have 34 children between them. The women are also offered help with family court processes and dealing with social services.

Lindsay added:

“For some, the abuse is still happening. Some of our clients’ children still see their other parent so they’re seeing their perpetrator week in, week out, and that is why they need ongoing support.”

Read more:

Lindsay is passionate about education and works with her clients and their children to demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like. The relationship she fled from wasn’t her first abusive relationship – she had experienced abuse in other relationships too.

Lindsay understands about changing a women’s mindset on what a relationship should look like, and her own experiences encourage her to work one-to-one with women to ensure they don’t fall into another negative relationship.

She said:

“It all starts with our kids, and if we can educate our own generation at the same time, then it’s even better.

“It’s important they all understand what a healthy relationship is – this is something we’re really determined about.”

New Beginnings

With further funding the charity hopes to expand and grow its team.

The charity is currently looking for premises which can offer office space and a dry storage area to keep goods ready for clients who come with emergency needs.

It is also hoping to grow its team. It currently works with three therapists and four volunteers but hopes to bring on more paid members of staff in order to expand to other areas in the district.

To support the charity you can visit its GoFundMe page here.

Where to go for further support

If you are in a physical or emotionally abusive relationship, click here to contact IDAS.

If you’re out of an abusive relationship but need further support you can self-refer to the New Beginnings charity. Email enquiries@newbeginningspeersupport.com or find them on Facebook here.

This is the first in the Stray Ferret’s ‘Charity Corner’ series. In this monthly feature we want to highlight the stories behind some of our small, local charities to raise their profiles. Get in touch with us if you know of a small charity in the Harrogate district working hard to fundraise for a worthy cause. 

COLUMN: Are you married to a narcissist?

This legal column is written by family lawyer, Laura Mounsey. Laura is a partner at Harrogate Family Law. She specialises in dealing with divorced couples and people who have been in abusive relationships. Her role involves protecting her clients’ assets and income if they want to live with someone or get married and resolving disagreements about children. In this column, she discusses the red flags to look out for that indicate you may be married to a narcissist and how to get out.

I have experienced the trauma of divorcing a narcissist first-hand. I am now a lawyer who specialises in helping people who are terrified of standing up to them.

Typically, I find that many of my clients have been conditioned to think that they have no self-worth. They have been controlled and bullied for years. They believe that any wrongdoing is their fault and that they do not deserve any better. The idea of saying “enough is enough” paralyses them with fear; so worn down, they feel trapped with no way out.

Over time, I have heard many people who sit in front of me say that their ex is:

They tell them what to do and what not to do. They are scolded for “stepping out of line”. However, the rules always change, and they never win. Instead, they live their lives walking on eggshells.

They think they are superior and expect that others cater to, and admire, them. Even though they have inflated self-esteem, beneath it, hides crippling insecurities which cause them to lash out.

They are obsessed with what other people think about them. They will put others down to make themselves seem better than they are. They are obsessed with attention and will often play the victim if needed.

They will often lie and pin people against each other. They will isolate people and are prepared to do anything to get what they want. Often, they undermine others around them so much that they start to question their own judgement, not their ex.

Does this ring any alarm bells?

Leaving a narcissist is daunting. A client once told me that her ex would do everything in his power to destroy her so that she ended up in a shoe box on the Stray with nothing but her children.

But she held her nerve and took the plunge, broke free and now has a very comfortable life that is all hers.

If, like her, you know deep down that you need to leave but you do not know what to do, the best thing that you can do is get specialist advice from a divorce lawyer who knows what you are dealing with.

Read More: